CULTURE SHOCK: The EarlyReturn Affair
by Felicia Angel
Summary: I said LAST AU EPISODE! Ye Gods...Celeste and Elaine might leave early, but first a few loose ends with Napoleon and Illya must be tied up. Rated "M" for language.
1. Act 1: Who Made You

Disclaimer: Wait, I said I wouldn't do this, didn't I? Shoot. Ah well.

Notes: I said last _AU EPISODE_, not the last one! Oy, I think I have about three more of these to go, don't be so worried!

Synopsis: There are a few problems and loose ends to take care of before Celeste and Elaine return home, and one involves proving something to a very old-fashioned man.

CULTURE SHOCK

**Part 9: The Early-Return Affair**

_March, 1966_

"You okay in there Celeste?"

"Yes, perfect, just throwing up."

"WHAT?"

Celeste sighed as she sat on her knees in the stall. "Really, Samantha, I'm fine. It's just I had something at lunch that disagreed with me. It's rather annoy--" she paused as she leaned back over the toilet then, after a moment, came back up, "annoying..."

"Sounds like a flu. Didn't Elaine have that earlier in the week?"

"She's had it, but she's trying to kick it. That physical we had earlier because some high-up in medical wanted to make sure we were 'fit' for heading back is annoying. I really can't believe it."

"You alright?" a new, familiar voice said as Celeste flushed the toilet.

"I'm fine, April," Celeste said as she walked out, washing her hands and face before rinsing out her mouth. "Just some bad food. How're you and Mark?"

"Oh, he's fine. I'm good too, but I was trying to find you because Mr. Waverly just asked for me to go see where you were. I guess he had something to tell you up in the main room."

Celeste gave a smile. "Okay. Elaine too?"

"Yes, but I think she's asleep. Could you wake her up?"

"Scared?"

"No, just don't need to wake her up. Mark and I are off to California in a minute, just had to stop and give you that note."

Celeste nodded. "Fine. Thanks and have fun!"

With a nod, April left and Celeste headed to find and wake up her friend.

* * *

"What's so important we had to come up from work?" Celeste asked as they walked towards the main room.

"Like I'd know," Elaine pointed out before saying, "Oh, how was that date-thing with Illya?"

Celeste looked over at her. "There was no date-thing. He was off on a job anyway, like Napoleon."

Elaine nodded then grinned. "So anything else go on between you two?"

"No."

"Oh come on!"

"I haven't been feeling good," Celeste told her, "and it's been a little weird."

The two walked in and smiled upon seeing Napoleon and Illya, as well as the doctor who created the time machine.

"Long time no see," Elaine said with a smile as they sat, glancing upon seeing a new face, that of what appeared to be another doctor neither had met yet.

"Ah, good timing," Waverly said, "now that we're all here, I think you should hear the good news."

Celeste and Elaine looked over at the two spies, then at Dr. Allerman before saying, "Good news means..."

"I was able to fix the machine and get it to work early. The only problem is that after this use it will probably destroy itself and I can't create another one, but--."

"We're...going home?" Elaine asked, blinking.

"Early?" Celeste whispered.

Doctor Allerman smiled and nodded as they looked at each other, then to their friends before smiling and at that point Celeste paused. "Wait...good news means there's bad news..."

Waverly nodded, looking over at the medical doctor next to him as the man said simply, "Yes, there's quite a problem here."

The two looked at him with confusion before he said simply, "The last physical we did on your both showed that one of you was not fit for this travel."

At that, the two girls blinked and look over at each other then at him. "What do you mean?" Celeste asked.

The doctor glared at them then said, opening up the folder in front of him, "The tests showed that you, Celeste, are pregnant."

Both girls and men blinked before Celeste said after a second, "I'm _what?_"

_Act 1: "Who made you lord and master over us?"_

Illya felt himself stiffen at the pronouncement, not because of what it meant to Celeste, but because of what it meant to him.

Celeste and he had been...together...since the Affair in the desert, and both had a type of 'on/off' relationship; she understood if he slept with others and he understood if she went out once in a while with someone else in her office, though only one other person besides himself seemed interested in her.

But _pregnant_ put a whole new meaning into the relationship they had.

"But—but you said I couldn't go back and...and I'm only in the first trimester, right? I've had friends that have been able to do stuff with, and they've worked for a while. I mean a lot of friends who became pregnant! Tons!"

"Remind me to be happy I was the shore-squid and didn't have the 'tons' of friends," Elaine muttered dryly as Celeste looked at the doctor for confirmation.

"Either way," Dr. Allerman pointed out, "I don't think she'd be able to stay behind, not unless I did a good deal of work on the machine to put her in this time..."

Doctor Fisher sighed. "I'd rather you did that, Doctor. In fact, I've recommended that you not only stay here, Miss Lancaster, but also that you reveal the name of the man who is the father of your child, that way we can get the paperwork ready--."

"_Paperwork?_"

"Yes, for the marriage."

"Hold the fuck up," Celeste said, though she rarely actually cursed in front of Mr. Waverly, "_marriage?_ I didn't agree to any of this! I was against a physical in the first place, and now you're talking about _marriage _and _staying here_?"

Doctor Fisher held up his hand as the others, apparently not about to butt in on the situation, watched. "It's for your own good and the good of the child. You must realize this. A solid family with a wife and husband is good for the child's future growth as well as for the family. You're getting far too old to stay single for much longer and if you have a husband to take care of you, you'll be better off then you probably are in your own time."

Elaine had moved her chair as much as she could away from Celeste when the doctor had started speaking, as had Dr. Allerman. Waverly was giving Doctor Fisher a look that said the man probably didn't know how deep of a hole he had just dug himself into.

Napoleon was ready to call in reinforcements, and Illya was still in shock when Doctor Fisher said simply, "Miss Lancaster? Do you understand my reasons? It's all for your well-being."

There was only a moment of silence before Celeste said, "And who, exactly, made you the fucking lord-high master over me and whatever the hell I do? Not to mention what my choice is for going and coming and everything else, including _if _I keep the genderless brat I've been so gifted with or not. Because so far I haven't heard a 'yay' or 'nay' from Mr. Waverly, your boss, nor have I seen anything official that says I _have _to tell you who I slept with around the time my ovaries decided dropping an egg was a good idea and hey, look, I have a kid now! I have a small person growing, last I checked, _in me_, which means it's all _on me and is my fucking responsibility you backwards jackass!_"

Celeste took a breath and then said before Dr. Fisher could continue, "No, I'm not done, I've just started to outline the flaws in your oh so wonderful decision to tell me what to do with my life. I'm not staying here because it's nearly twenty years _before _I was born! I am _not _screwing with the time like that, not to mention the mind-fuck I'll get if my boy happens to date my mom, or aunt, or anything close to that! On top of it, I don't _have _to tell you who I slept with here because I'm _leaving with my friend, _going to my own time, and whatever I choose to do is _my choice._ It's not like half of you will be around to tell me what to do by that time, and either way, you think me staying here will be _safe? _THRUSH knows about me, and if they find out I have a kid that's nothing for security and comfort! That's mortal terror, thinking I or the guy you decide to hitch me with or the kid'll be killed, or tortured or whatever just because of their _job._ So take you're recommendation and shove it as far up your ass as it'll go, because with your head so firmly planted up there I'm amazed you got to the position you're at now. And if you _think _about pulling _any of this bullshit _on me _AGAIN, _realize I'm being _restrained and nice!_"

With that, Celeste turned and headed out the door without saying anything to anyone. There was another moment of silence before Elaine said to Mr. Waverly, "Can we write that off as 'hormones'?"

Napoleon shifted from his place as Waverly gave a small nod before saying, "I did not expect her to react so badly."

Elaine cast her own glare at Doctor Fisher. "Oh, she's not the only one to react badly to what he said...but I'm not about to blow up just yet. One of us has to be sane for a while."

Illya sighed as he said, "Will she have to stay?"

Doctor Fisher started to speak but Waverly waved him off, "I'll review the case and have Mr. Solo speak to her about it. In the meantime, I'd like a word in private with Mr. Kuryakin and Miss Salomon."

* * *

Waverly waited as the two doctors and Napoleon left, Napoleon casting a glance back at Illya before leaving the room.

"Now then, Miss Salomon, I would like it very much if both you and Napoleon ensured that Miss Lancaster doesn't get too—extreme."

"Define that, if you would sir," Elaine asked with a grin, "Because I take that as not letting her near the guns and most armed agents."

"That, as well as within a proximity of Doctor Fisher. I would also like for you to try and convince Doctor Fisher that she is capable of handling herself in her own time with a child."

"Cake walk," she told him.

"You may go, then. I'd like to speak to Mr. Kuryakin alone."

With a nod, Elaine got up and left, causing Illya to look up and over at his boss of many years and the current head of Section One.

"While I understand that you and Miss Lancaster were intimate, and that you might be a little shocked at the news, perhaps as much as she, I would like for you to think through what the consequences are, as well as for you to find her again should you be lucky enough to live that long. In our profession, nothing is certain, but I will tell you from experience that seeing your child be born is one you can very easily give up any assignment for."

"Sir?"

"I am neither dull nor stupid, Mr. Kuryakin. You and Celeste are quite close. She's scared, not just of the fact that she might be left behind here for all the comfort she might have, but also for your well-being in the future. That is why, even if it seems for the best, I will send her back to her own time. As to what she will do at that point is up to her, as well as you. We know they arrive in May, we know they are in a hostel called Janus. We don't know what year, only that it's past the new millennium. With those clues, I would hope you or Mr. Solo could find them and live rather uneventful lives for what is left of them."

Illya blinked. "Sir, forgive me, but did you just give me your blessing?"

"I believe I did. Now, please go and comfort her. She will need it."

* * *

"You okay in there?"

"I have a sense of deja vu, and yes, Napoleon, I'm fine."

"Ah, well, can you open the door then?"

A pause. "No."

"The doctor's not out there, and I hate to point this out, but I can guess who the dad is."

"Go away."

"Celeste?"

"I'm fine and just _fucking _dandy. I'm pregnant with a kid that will either force me to stay here and put it's life in danger, or head back to my own time and who knows what will have happened to you two by that time, right? For all I know you're dead by the millennium and that leaves me with a fatherless child and never seeing you two again and--."

"Celeste?"

"WHAT?" she sounded like she was ready to cry.

"I'm only here to offer what I can, and that's hugs and sympathy. I'm not going to tell you what to do, and I'm not going to tell Illya what to do. But you have my support in anything you choose."

The door suddenly opened and Napoleon had only a few seconds to register this before Celeste wrapped her arms tightly around him and cried into his chest. Having recovered, he gently returned the hug, rubbing up her back. "It'll be okay, Celeste. We'll find a way to make it okay."


	2. Act 2: I don't Think

_Author's Notes: Okay, a quick short chapter, sorry, but I am rewatching some of the show as well as considering how to finish the story off. In the meantime...this is what I have. Enjoy it for all it is, which isn't a lot, but hey. shrugs_

_Act 2: "I don't think I need a baby-shower..."_

Celeste sighed as she looked over at Elaine. "This isn't good."

"Napoleon said he'd fix it."

"I'm hormonal and worried. Unless something else comes up about this, that bastard will pretty much sign me over to be the happy homemaker."

Elaine smiled briefly before saying with a slight teasing tone, "Nah, you just have to stop the baby-showers when he decides to let it out."

Celeste, who had been typing on the computer quickly, stopped suddenly and looked up at her friend. "Elaine, you're like a sister like me, but don't joke like that."

"WHAT? I didn't mean...well, actually, it'd be--."

"NO! No, no, no, and hell no! I'm not having a baby-shower! I'm not acknowledging that there is something growing inside of me that is making me sick at the smell of corn but is causing me to eat avocados for the first time in my whole life, and I'm most certainly _not _going to let that rat-bastard of a doctor tell me what to do!"

Elaine blinked at Celeste then said, "I'm going to go and help out Napoleon. If I see Illya I'm sending him in here to deal with you."

"Why?"

"He's partly responsible, he should take care of this. I'm not going to hear it and most certainly not going to deal with you being a bitch in your hormonal state. He has time and, knowing the guy, he'll try to wiggle his way out of it with a mission that involves kidnapping and torture just to not deal with reality."

Celeste's shoulders slumped and Elaine quickly waved her hands in front of her. "A joke! Damn it, I'm sending in the Russian!"

"I...I don't think I need a baby shower but...but...Elaine, I'm going to have a baby! I mean...what do I tell my parents? What do I name him? Her? Whatever...what do I do afterwards? What if I mess up? What if Illya's dead when he's born? Oh God, what if he gets--."

Elaine moved forward and put a hand over Celeste's mouth. "HOLD all those thoughts. Keep them for ILLYA. I'm going to get him. Listen to music, eat something, but _don't talk about these things around me._ I'm having him deal with them because it's his job. Okay?"

Celeste nodded as Elaine released her. "Good. Now, wait here."

The minute she was out the door, Elaine sprinted to the office where Illya usually was to find him.

* * *

"Listen--."

The door to the infirmary opened with a bang and, in a rush of red hair, Elaine strode in, grabbing Illya and turning him towards the door. "Go and make Celeste feel better! It's half your fault anyway! I don't deal with hormonal friends, I have enough problems of my own and you're _going _to take care of her!"

"What..."

"NOW!" With one last push, Elaine sent him out of the doors before turning back and glaring at Doctor Fisher. "YOU! This is all _your fucking fault! _I have to listen to my best friend become an emotional wreak and when we get back to the future I'll probably have to deal with all the weird foods she'll be eating! All the smells that make her sick! I might not get to drink my fruity-coffee-beverage from Starbucks that I love! I could not chew gum again for months because of you! You _will _let us go back and let her choose what to do or so help me I will beat you into the next century just so I can run you over! And _you!_"

"I'm innocent in this," Napoleon said quickly.

Elaine stalked towards him as Napoleon backed up. "If he dies and we find out, I'm tracking you down and _killing you! _If you're already dead I'm going to bring you back just to _kill you again_, and trust me when I say it'll be _painful and horrible. UNDER-FUCKING-STOOD?_"

"Completely. Can I go back to trying to convince Doctor Fisher in a way that doesn't involve violence?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

Napoleon turned back to Doctor Fisher. "Well, considering what she said, I'll have to add in 'general health' to your reasons for changing your opinion."

"My answer, now and no matter what, will be no. She obviously needs support from a family and it's proven. She will make a good wife and mother if she simply stays home and takes care of it and the child. To do that, she needs to stay here. I've already spoken to Allerman about the machine and it's effects: he will hopefully find a way to keep her here and get the paperwork together."

There was a long pause before Napoleon said, "In that case I don't hold myself responsible for anything either of the girls do to you should one stay. Come on, Elaine. I need to talk to you anyway."

"Okay."

The two left the room and Napoleon asked, "So...hormonal again?"

"I made a joke about a baby-shower and she freaked. I tried another joke and she got depressed. I sent in the Russian because he needs to take care of it. He'd better not cope out of this mission either."

"He won't."

"Napoleon, have either of you ever _dealt_ with hormonal women?"

Napoleon gave her a smile. "I had two older sisters and was somewhat forced to help out during their times before I got nieces and nephews."

Elaine tilted her head. "Really?"

"Yep. They were very odd."

"Tell me about it."

"You don't want to hear it."

"Yes, I do." She smiled at him, "I might have to deal with it. I need pointers."

Napoleon smiled again. "Okay. Now, first off..."


	3. Act 3: Something to Talk About

_Act 3: Somethings to Talk About_

Illya breathed out as he walked into the room, unsure of what he would find or say in this situation. Truth be told, he had never actually dealt with a pregnant woman before, and certainly not with a person who was pregnant with _his--_

The thought both comforted him and put him on edge. How would he deal with a child, if Celeste stayed behind? How would he if he lived to see her in the future? What if she didn't want the child? What if--?

"Hi Illya," the voice came up, causing himself to look over and see Celeste sitting in front of her computer, a bowl of something red and green as well as a large one of tortilla chips that was halfway gone.

"Hello."

"I take it Elaine found you?"

"In a manner of speaking. She said I needed to take care of you."

Celeste sighed. "Understatement, I suppose. Do you want some? It's guacamole and salsa." She snorted as she ate a chip filled with it. "I hated guacamole and avocados before this. Couldn't stand them...blamed my dad for it."

"Oh?"

"He told me it was 'elephant snot' when I was younger, and I never could stand it after that."

Illya gave her a smile. "Ah. Well," he took a chip, taking only a small amount and trying it, noting the lime flavoring as well. "It's okay."

"Yeah, well, at least it's not pickles and ice cream or chow mein and ketchup," Celeste muttered, leaning back against the couch. "Did Elaine put you up to this?"

"If by that you mean storm in and push me out the door while shouting about how emotional you were and how it was my fault, then yes."

Celeste giggled briefly then put her head back. "I don't know what to do, Illya."

"Neither do I."

"If we have to stay here...can we be happy together?"

"I don't know," he told her truthfully, "but you will be in danger anyway."

Celeste paused and looked over at him, "But I'm in more danger here then home, aren't I?"

"A fact I've been trying to tell the dear doctor, but to no avail. Hopefully Napoleon and Elaine got through to him."

The two paused at that, then shook their heads.

"It was a good thought, though," Celeste told him as she leaned against him, glaring at the avocado and salsa. "Though if you don't come to help me in the future, I'm pretty sure that Elaine will hurt you for leaving her alone with me being all hormonal and weird."

Illya smiled at that, but sighed before saying, "And if I don't appear? If I--."

"I am not above crying."

"How much?"

"A lot."

"Even now?"

"A whole hell of a lot. Hormonal and ready to tell Elaine."

"Ah..." Illya put his arm around her instead. "I can't think of what will help us, though. I wish I could."

"I wish I could too."

* * *

Napoleon and Elaine had just arrived at the door when it open, a fuming and guacamole-covered Illya storming past them as something close to another item being thrown and broken was heard in the room. The two blinked at the closed door, then the way Illya had gone, then each other.

"I vote for lunch," Elaine said.

"We should find out what's wrong," Napoleon countered.

"Do we have to?"

"Elaine..."

"I claim the hormonal one, then, you get the pregnant lady."

Napoleon motioned to the door, Elaine sighing before heading into the room she shared with her friend, Napoleon heading off to find Illya.

An hour later, the two met up again at the same door.

"We should have done lunch," Napoleon told her with a sigh. "This isn't good."

"Nope," she said, "this certainly isn't."

* * *

"Are you all so sure about this?" Waverly asked.

"Sir, she threw guacamole and salsa at him. That's hardly the start of a happy marriage," Elaine pointed out, wishing that Doctor Fisher hadn't called this meeting and forced Illya to confess that he had slept with Celeste, and _could _be the father of her child.

The wording had caused both Elaine and Napoleon to look over at Illya, obviously worried about it, before they both jumped in with what they knew, which was that it hadn't been either of their friend's faults: miscommunication, tension, and hormones had caused the fight, and the fact that Doctor Fisher wasn't backing down, and that Illya had mentioned without being able to clarify why 'Fisher could be right' had been the final straw for an already upset Celeste.

"I don't see--."

Doctor Allerman came in, looking over at the group then saying, "Sorry for the interruption, but I have news."

Waverly blinked at that. "Oh?"

"I've reviewed the notes, as well as the effects it's had on the two girls and...um...addition."

"You--." Celeste started, but Doctor Allerman waved his hand. "Hold on, let me finish. The review states that they're saturated with a type of molecule from their own time, not ours, and it's concentrated within the room. Despite spending a good amount of time there, Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin are fine, though. And yet none of the electronics they have work outside of the room, at least to the same degree as normal. My point being...if they are attached to that time, and they were stretched back to this one like a rubber band, they have to return to that time. Being as Miss Lancaster's child is within her, it's also a part of that time, despite what time the father was in."

"In other words," Illya said, catching on, "they can't stay."

"They can't. I can't reverse what they are, and if I tried it would have too many unknown or ill effects. So far I would guess it's dangerous enough that, should I try to keep Miss Lancaster here, she would either die or be put into a coma due to the physical stress of it."

The room was silent before Doctor Fisher said, "Who put you up to this?"

Doctor Allerman favored the man with a glare before holding up his folder, allowing the head of UNCLE North America to see it. "It's all there. This is the only chance those two have of returning, and after this the machine won't work again, even if I built another one."

"Sir, you can't--!" Fisher was once more stopped, this time by Waverly himself, after he skimmed the document then sighed.

"I believe this means you are free from any commitment to the young lady, Mr. Kuryakin," Waverly told him, "and you both are to return home in two days time."

Elaine looked surprised, while Celeste looked down at the table and fidgeted with the edge of it.

"Sir, the--."  
"There's nothing that can be done, Doctor Fisher. No matter what, the two are going to return to their own time, and deal with what they must there."

Celeste gave a ghost of a smile before Elaine stood. "Well then, we have people to say goodbye to, things to pack...or not...that sort of thing. I'm sure you don't need us. Come on, Celeste."

Celeste nodded, standing and heading out with her while Doctor Fisher, after another moment, stormed out as well, brushing rudely past Allerman in the process. Napoleon cast a look at Illya, then said, "I'd like to have a talk with you in my office in a few minutes, Illya."

"I have--."

"It won't take up too much of your time."

Illya finally nodded before heading out and leaving Napoleon alone with Waverly, who looked at the CEA with an unreadable expression.

"Mr. Solo, do you believe Mr. Kuryakin doesn't wish to have this child?"

"It's not that, sir," Napoleon told him, "but I do think he needs someone to talk to about what he fears for the child."


	4. Act 4: Click Your Heels Three Times

***Pause* Wait, what stor--oh, yeah...^^; Sorry, this muse came, went, and is probably on it's way to New York to demand a MfU movie as good as the Star Trek updated one...**

_Act 4: Click Your Heels Three Times..._

_September 1966_

"Remind me why we've come here?" Illya asked as the entered the restaurant and took a seat.

"A celebration."

"Oh?"

Napoleon nodded as they ordered and he got them both a glass of wine before raising his glass to toast. Frowning and looking around, Illya raised his as well before saying, "What's the toast to?"

Napoleon raised his eyebrows. "Well, it's been nine months since--."

Illya put his glass down. "I'm not going to do this, Napoleon."

Napoleon put his glass down as well, shaking his head. "It's been a few months, and she was two months pregnant last I checked with the doctor. So that means that this is the month, in quite a number of years, that your kid will be born."

"If she didn't...doesn't...have an abortion instead."

Napoleon shook his head. "You think too much, Illya. She won't, and you should just accept it. In the future, you have a son or daughter. We're celebrating that. Now," he raised his glass again, tilting his head before Illya let out a sigh and raised his own.

"To Elaine and Celeste, wherever they are. To future and what it holds for them and for us."

Illya nodded, saying nothing as they clicked glasses and he sighed. "I don't want to think about it. What if--."

"Ah. Don't be a stick in the mud. We're going to celebrate like it was this year and she was still here, okay?"

"Fine."

Napoleon smiled as they ordered, going over the event from March. Despite speaking with Illya about his fears on the child and his fears for Celeste, there had been little ceremony when the door that lead to their room disappeared and was once more replaced by a closet. The group had a general idea of _when _the two would reappear and hoped they could see them then. Napoleon already had it all planned out in case both he and Illya survived...and even if they didn't, he had it all ready, and wasn't about to leave them alone in the future.

* * *

_May 20XX_

"This is possibly one of the sillier ideas you've had," Illya said after leaning up against the car. "Why would they want to see us?"

"Because they will," Napoleon told him, "and stop being such a killjoy."

They waited, Illya checking his watch. "This is the day after they got back. What if they're not here?"

"They are. They should be. I checked with the front desk, and they're still checked in."

Illya snorted and they waited, Napoleon watching Illya for any signs of running away from it.

"Are you sure about the year?"

"I asked the front-door man about it. He said they were supposed to check out," Napoleon checked his watch, "in about an hour. He even called to confirm and said he talked with one of them. Probably Elaine."

Illya glanced at him. "Why do you say that?"

"Just a thought. Plus she might be the only one that can think straight at this point."

Time ticked away, Napoleon going in again before coming out, shaking his head.

"What? What's wrong?"

"They're gone."

"What do you mean, _they're gone?_"

"Illya, I mean they left out the old car-park and are gone. The guy says he didn't know where they were heading."

"And they didn't tell you?"

"Didn't they tell you?"

Silence came between the two before Illya shook his head. "If she doesn't want to see me, it's fine. I won't bother."

"Illya..."  
"She made it clear forty years ago, Napoleon. I don't know why I even bothered to come here."

That said, Illya got into the car, Napoleon reluctantly getting in beside him, and the two drove off.


End file.
